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At the end of the day you can choose to play it safe and retain the Personal Trainer you already have, which is a guarantee for a decade of no gains, or you can ditch the zero and get with the hero.
The following are 10 reasons you need to fire your Personal Trainer immediately and seek the services of a Bro Scientist who majored in Life and minored in Hard Partying.
1) Personal Trainers are expensive
If yours’ isn’t expensive chances are better than good that you are going to be getting bargain bin results, which is another way of saying that you will be getting “no results.” Bro Scientists dispense training, supplement and drug advice for a flat fee of FREE, even when you don’t want it.
2) No More Forced Awkward Situations
Purchasing the services of a personal trainer more often than not means that you purchase one or more hours a week worth of forced awkward situations with someone you don’t even like but whose responsibility it is to strip you of every joy that you take in life whether booze, women or illicit drugs. It would be like purchasing one to two dinners a week with in-laws that you simply can’t stand, but who tell you that you might want to think about checking yourself into rehab. Buzz kill.
3) Bro Scientists speak to you in a language you can understand
Your Personal Trainer is constantly speaking Greek to you. The only words you know are bis, tris, lats, quads…and well, bis. You don’t give a bag of dicks about what a distinguished medical journal said. Your Bro Scientist will not tell you exactly how the body works, nor get into the finer points of biomechanics and nutrition because frankly, he just doesn’t know. What he will tell you though is how to go from zero-to-sixty in no time flat and how to get so swole it becomes a medical problem in its’ own right.
4) Your Personal Trainer doesn’t even look like he lifts
The dude looks like Seth Rogan standing around in gym shorts. He has like 5 followers on Instagram and maybe a dozen or so on Facebook compared to your Bro Scientist who has 10,000 followers, which is odd because it is doubtful he passed the 8th grade. You can’t argue with results though. 8th grade education with Master’s Degree gains!
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5) You don’t need to meet your Bro Scientist at the gym
“When I fire my personal trainer, where do I find my own personal Bro Scientist?” Simple: Not at the gym. That would be much too easy. You’ll find him on Youtube and Instagram and he will in all likelihood troll you in the comment section before he ever answers your questions in a serious manner.
6) Your Bro took an oath to care for a weakling like you
“ I, (insert name here), do solemnly swear to respect the gains of the Bro Scientists who came before me in whose steps I now walk. May I forever experience the joy of healing those who are weak by making them geeked, swole, jacked or shredded, and where science fails me I will then resort to magic to keep gains on lock.”
7) Your Bro is a lot like you
Behind all of the group photos he clearly Photoshopped himself into is a man with chiseled abs, peaked biceps, striated glutes and more body image issues than a teenage girl.
8) His Muscle Philosophy is simple
“When in doubt, up the dose.” Based upon the half-dozen or so progress pictures he posts on a daily basis it is evident that this is advice he follows to the letter. His diet isn’t really on point though. If his tweets are any indication he blows his diet bar hopping on Friday, Saturday, and even Sunday nights and is frequently hung over for your 8am Monday session.
9) His take on life is equally simple
“So you’re broke, alone, you have no friends and even your dog hates you. That’s fine because life’s problems are much easier to deal with when you’re jacked and tanned.” Said The Greatest Man Ever.
10) Bro Scientists, unlike Personal Trainers, don’t sell you bullshit
Your personal trainer is pretty amped up about the Herbalife line of supplements he conveniently keeps in the trunk of his car for your “post-workout power up”. While you’re simply trying to guzzle the shit down to gtfo, this dude is talking about how great the company is, what big names are currently taking it, etc. Your Bro Scientist doesn’t pull this type of shit. If you’re walking to his car it’s for a drug deal involving supplements that actually work. Plain and simple.
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