This article is for entertainment purposes only, should not be taken seriously and does not necessarily reflect BroScience’s opinion.
My buddy Spencer and I were having breakfast this morning before we headed out on an endeavour to purchase exquisite pieces of art. (Buying a shit ton of comics.) The topics of our breakfast conversation were quite varied. Subjects such as our theories on quantum physics, our insights on how the speed force could of been used in the creation of life, what our opinions are on the literary works of our favorite writers. and of course, the sharing of our disappointment in the reveal that the Thing from the Fantastic Four does not indeed have a large rock penis.
I bring this all up to let you know how I got to the topic of this fine, sophisticated article you are about to read. As our meal was coming to an end, I happened to mention the need I had for an article idea that I could write about for the culturally enlightened fans of Broscience. I’ve written probably twenty articles or so for this site and believe it or not, It’s quite hard to stay original and entertaining when you are writing specifically about fitness. Well I mentioned this and that’s when Spencer, being the high brow and worldly scholar that he is, not so quietly blurted out “Dude, you ever wonder what it would be like to fuck one of those gross, muscle freak bodybuilding chicks?” And… the lightbulb turns on.
Since I cannot fathom what it would be to actually date one of these chicks, I’ve decided to focus strictly on the sex part. Here’s what I imagine would be the downsides to having sex with a huge female bodybuilder.
1. The shame of being naked.
Unless you are so blackout drunk to notice, you will be very aware of the fact that you have brought home a dude with a vagina for “sex.” Perhaps it’s your fetish to bang a chick that could play linebacker in the NFL. Maybe your name is Uncle Rico, I don’t now and I’m not judging.
If you are an average Joe, or you workout but you aren’t quite that huge yet, it would be pretty strange to get naked in front of one of these ladies. Imagine you are both naked and you realize you are the soft one as you look at the pulsating veins that are sitting just below the onion thin skin covering her eight pack abs. I’m sure you won’t feel real good about yourself. Most men do not want to be smaller than the woman they are about to have sex with. It would also be very embarrassing if your friends found out. Then again, nobody else is there to see your shame, so go pound away at the vagina attached to that block of granite you call a woman. Just don’t expect things to feel very good.
2. Her gentle touch.
HULK SMASH! That might be about as gentle as a handjob would be from one of these gargantuan ladies. You know what is great about having sex with a woman? They are soft, delicate, have fine hair, smooth skin, and they smell nice. Now take all of that away and add 80 lbs of muscle, an adam’s apple, and fake tits. Remove the warm soft caress of her hand on your body and replace it with a rough and rugged calloused lumberjack hand tugging away at your
yogurt sprayer with all of the gentleness of a deep sea fisherman pulling a hook out of a bluefin tuna’s mouth. Mmm… pleasurable.
3. You are not the man.
I’m sorry to say this, but unless your are a massive bodybuilder yourself, you will play the role of bitch when you make not so sweet love to one of these ladies. You can lick her bulging biceps or spank her manly ass, it doesn’t matter, you won’t look very masculine in comparison to her either way. She looks like an Amazonian and you look like Zapp Brannigan. When the sex is done she will be the one holding you. You have no say in the matter. You are forever the little spoon.
4. Death by snu snu.
Let us focus on the pleasurable act of copulation. In an ideal scenario, both willing participants in a sexual experience will receive the kind of pleasure they are looking for. Now to speak in generalities, a one night stand with a stranger isn’t going to be the greatest sex. You are unfamiliar with the person. You don’t know what they like and vice versa. So It’s just a lot of bumping and grinding until you excrete your homemade caesar dressing. But what if that one night stand is with the female Lou Ferrigno?
Assuming you are desperate enough to make it with such a she beast, the best you can hope for is to quickly ejaculate into your own hand and run away deep into the night like some kind of horny boner goblin. If you do make the decision to bonerize this grizzly bear lady something proper, just remember that things may get painful.
If you let her on top for a normal cowgirl position she might use her iron, vice grip like thighs to lock you in place while she grinds your pelvis bone into dirty sex dust. If you play it safe by going for the missionary position you risk her grabbing both of your ass cheeks like she’s working a jackhammer and pulling you into her pelvis, causing you to inadvertently thrust with more power than the Saturn V space rocket at liftoff. This will most likely cause severe dick snappage.
The third option is doggystyle. Theoretically, this should give you the best chance to gain the most control of this wild, muscle bound horse of a woman. The only problem I can think of is if she were to aid your thrusting by pushing her steel plated buttocks backwards into your crotch. The impact would be like that of a smart car crashing head on into Godzilla’s penis. Each thrust would be like smashing Thor’s hammer Mjolnir onto Captain America’s shield over and over again. Only your hammer is much weaker and far more susceptible to disintegrating into a fine dick powder.
5. Don’t bring her to your place.
Do you like your furniture? How about the walls and the structural integrity of the building you live in? It’s probably not best to bring a stampeding buffalo inside of your residence and attempt to tame it with your mighty flesh pickle. Most likely the outcome will be her powerbombing you through your own bed as she forces you to eat her steel box by putting you in the fearsome figure four ass lock. Sex with a woman like that is risking the stability of any piece of furniture you are doing it on. One aggressive maneuver and you can say goodbye to your expensive couch. Just rent a room at a cheap motel to avoid this. Also, make sure YOU don’t end up as the dead hooker stashed underneath the bed. It will be death by snu snu indeed.
So this is just what I imagine it would be like to sex up a hardcore female bodybuilder. I could be way off though. Perhaps they make up for their extreme appearance by being as delicate as a dandylion. Maybe I could of just looked up some porn on the subject and that would answer any questions I may have. Or I could even do some field research and have my dick snapped off by one of these irregular sized woman in the name of fine sports journalism. Quite possibly I have over thought this whole scenario and have thoroughly grossed myself out. As much as I would like to fully immerse myself in this topic and write a much longer list, I’m starting to imagine these ladies naked and my johnson rod has retreated up into my body like a frightened turtle head. Thanks for the idea Spencer, you fuck!
No matter, the point is you nice readers should go out and have some fine intercourse with one of these ripped up, yoked to the max girls and let us all know how things go. A bit of a warning though, Don’t expect to go in there and wreck one of these chicks. You won’t be bragging about her walking funny the next day. Oh, somebody will be walking funny after this sexual romp, it just won’t be her.