Well it’s that time of year again. The time for middle aged lunch ladies to drop some pounds and skinny beta nerds to get that petite Naruto body they always dreamed of. Why are these out of place non lifting weirdos invading the sacred temple of the iron? Easy, it’s because they have a solid month and a half to work on their new year’s resolution before giving up and going back to a life of mediocrity. That is, until the next new year of course.
The thing is, if you are like these people and new to the gym scene yourself, with the exception being that you are actually serious about fitness, then you might not yet be sure how to spot these living anal beads who join the gym in January and leave by mid February. Now you shouldn’t hate on these people right away. Afterall, everyone has to start somewhere. But if you know what to look for, you can easily tell the difference between the people who are serious about improving their life and those who are just pretending.
Here are some things to look for when trying to figure out who is going to the gym just to say they “tried” before giving up and blaming genetics, lack of time, work, sore anal cavities, and whatever other lame excuses they use to explain why they gave up on the “new year new me” bullshit. These are a few of the types of new years resolutioners you may encounter.
1. Group of Betas
When you see that one skinny kid who comes into the gym day in day out, doesn’t socialize and just lifts, he’s probably serious. He might not know what the hell he’s doing but at least he’s trying. That deserves some respect.
When you see that group of four skinny dudes and one fat guy, all high school senior/freshman in college aged kids, they probably won’t last. These guys might even be the same annoying assholes who do those three month student discount summer memberships in which they also don’t accomplish anything other than being in the way, but that’s neither here nor there.
These guys can be seen standing around the squat rack, hogging the free benches, and huddled around the pullup bar/cable station. Unless you are also standing around being a lazy fuck, you most likely will not see these clowns do an actual set. You may catch a glimpse of the fat Ralph Malph looking motherfucker half squatting way too much weight on the smith machine, or witness one of the skinny betas performing the worst “wide grip pullups” with unnecessary weight dangling from their girly waste for no reason, but what you won’t see is actual sweat being shed from these useless taint ticklers.
These goons will use all of their Christmas money on supplements that they were talked into buying by that one salesman who has to be an android because he works at every single GNC chain I’ve ever been to. (Note, the only time I go to GNC anymore is if I’m out of preworkout and in a bind, which hasn’t happened in years.) At best, these micro dicks will go stand to the side somewhere and talk about Call of Duty or some shit. At worst, these assholes will be in your way at every possible opportunity and Richie Cunningham might bump into you as you lift heavy weight, causing you to snap your shit up. I once was squatting 365 lbs ass to grass when some
Potsie Weber looking douche clipped my heel when I was on the way down, nearly causing my knee to buckle. Imagine tearing an acl because some non lifter bumps into you while he’s too busy texting to watch where he’s going. Also, you might ask how he ran into me when I was squatting in the rack. Simple, I wasn’t in the squat rack because Potsie and the gang were using it to circle jerk each other between “sets” of pullups. Fucking pullups in the squat rack. I was using the bench press as my squat station. Not fun trying to throw any kind of weight up on your shoulders for squats from a bench press. Even less fun when little Eddie Munster nearly murders you by being just being in the same vicinity as you.
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2. Office Ladies
These women join the gym every January, or just pay every month until January rolls around, and fail at working out year after year. They go on these all water or all juice diets. They run terribly on the treadmill for any random amount of time. They don’t even look at the weights but they do like to stand around while other people work around them. I believe the goal of these women is not to get in shape, but rather to say they are getting into shape. They like to stand around the other ladies at work and feel good about themselves because they think they are accomplishing something. It gives them something to socialize about and makes them feel important. When it comes to fitness and health, that kind of thinking is very bad.
Even worse are the women who go to the gym so they can feel superior to other women at the office. It’s not very impressive that you can talk down to big Bertha because you and large Marge hit the gym before happy hour at Applebee’s. Barely exercising for a month doesn’t undo all of the cake and sausage you have stuffed down your gullet all year. Stop acting like hot shit at work just because you pay that fat tax you call a gym membership.
3. The Health Scare Person.
Get some bad news at the doctors? Straddling the borderline between losing your dick to diabetes and straight up croaking? Need a major lifestyle change to drastically improve your health? Fuck it, join a gym…at the same time as thousands of other people in similar situations.
Bad health doesn’t just sneak up on you for the most part. Usually it is caused by a life of unhealthy decisions. Most people use the new year as this deadline for them to get their shit together. Instead of just trying to get better as soon as possible, they procrastinate until the last possible second, which just happens to be the new year. What’s worse is the fact that they will gorge themselves on junk food and be lazy fucks until that date. If you really wanted to change your life for the better, you would just do it. Start now, not later.
4. Reliving the Glory Days Guy.
You have encountered this guy. You have never seen him a day in your life until January rolls around. You are lifting and doing your thing when all of a sudden that middle aged dude in the corner finally locks eyes with you. Now he’s immediately talking to you like he’s been a regular
at the gym for years. He will give you unwanted advice, tell you his past failures and successes, and give you his way outdated personal lifting stats. He is most likely balding, has a big gut, and talks about how today’s music isn’t anywhere near as good as early 90’s rock.
This guy played sports in highschool and even though he was most definitely mediocre at best, he will have warped things in his head to the point where he believes he was amazing. He does this because that was probably the only time in his life when he was in decent shape. Once the new year comes around, he decides it’s time to bring back the glory. This kind of guy wouldn’t be so damn sad if he actually stuck to a routine and indeed brought some of that glory back. Many guys get their shit together later on in life. Just look at the Hodgetwins. More often than not though, these guys will go to the gym less and less over time until they finally stop all together. Hopefully during that guys mid life crisis he will just take up canoeing or some such shit and leave the real gym rats alone.
5. The Real Deal.
Statistically speaking, this doesn’t happen anywhere near as much as the two months at the gym and quit type of people, but it does happen. Some people do set a new year’s resolution and stick to it. For some, their resolution is motivation enough to get their ass in gear. Once they go to the gym for a few months, they get hooked and another iron addict is born. It’s truly a wonderful thing to see. So next time you see that skinny kid working out alone, day in and day out, even if he has no idea what he is doing, don’t judge him. He might one day find his own greatness. And at the end of the day, that’s all any of us can really hope for.
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