5 Terrible Workouts I Hope You Aren't Doing

5 Terrible Workouts I Hope You Aren’t Doing

I’m the type of person who thinks it’s pretty asinine to make fun of someone for working out, even if it’s in a manner in which you deem to be stupid. For instance, there is always some industrial, hydraulic pump having, douche cannon of a man in the gym who will make fun of fat people who are exercising. You see that they are actively doing something about being fat you fucking moron! Why would you make fun of them?

Anyway to get back to the topic, it’s pretty lame to make fun of people for trying to get in shape. Even the crossfit morons you see doing stupid shit on the Internet are in the minority of idiots to be ridiculed for little to no reason. Now it’s one thing to make fun of people when you see them lifting with awful form, screaming like buffoons, and just generally making an ass out of themselves. But to put down others because they do crossfit, yoga, pilates, or whatever you don’t do is just pointless.

That being said, there are certain instances where mocking the stupidity of others is quite acceptable. I’m not just talking about the general idiotic behavior some not all there in the head individuals may exhibit either. I’m talking about some truly stupid workouts and exercises that just leave you completely dumbfounded when you see or hear about them. There are plenty to choose from so for my list I’ve added the ones that are not only stupid, but also have some popularity behind them. Let’s get started with the dumbest one.

1. The Towel Row.

Throw in the towel! I’m not gonna name any names here but a certain YouTube fitness personality really tried to sell people on this stupid, pointless fucking exercise. Let’s just call this guy Chike Mang. Mr. Mang made a video (Only one that I have seen but there could be more.) about using just a regular towel to use as resistance for muscle building exercises. Are you fudging kidding me? What the flapjack in all heck is he talking about? You can’t give a towel serious resistance by “keeping it tight” throughout the row. The idea of gaining mass from using a towel as a weight is absolutely preposterous. Are there people out there who actually tried this nonsense?

Just imagine it. Some fat, single brown tooth having yokel from Bumblescum Fuckaducky probably stumbled upon this exercise and thought to himself, “Im’s gon’ get me some gains t’day.” and proceeded to row his stiff ass, jizz covered tractor cleaning rag to acquire the most ripped physique the world will ever bear witness to. I’m quite sure that has happened. Just as sure as my belief is in the effectiveness of Shit Packing Short Cunts or whatever that stupid company name is that Mr. Mang operates under.

2. 8 Hour Arm Workout.

Alright alright I get it. Mocking this dumb workout plan has been beaten to death a long time ago. I have even written two parody 8 hour arm workout articles myself. But it still deserves to be on this list dammit! 8 hours working arms. 8 hours! How the hell can that be good for you? Man I sure would like to destroy my joints today. Maybe I should lift for 8 fucking hours!

I bet an 8 hour arm workout is great for breaking down the muscle tissue. Like, way down. Down to the point of not being beneficial at all. It’s okay though, like Ol’ Slippy Dick Piano says, “whatever it takes.” You will gain an inch of aesthetic inflammation and the bitches will just love it. Well, the dudes will at least. You will be spending all of your time in the gym after all.

3. Kipping Pull Ups.


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Are you a gymnast? Are you trying to learn how to master muscle ups? If not, then why the shit would you do kipping pull ups as a workout? Crosshitters have made it a standard to take something gymnast do and make it some kind of remedial pull up movement for invalids. You know why gymnast do kipping pull ups? Because it gives them momentum for going into their routines which require actual difficult maneuvers. The crossfit bunch just do the kipping pull up part and for the some reason, that’s all. Just a contest to see who can flop up and down like a salty carp trying to breath on land. It’s pointless. Do ten real pull ups instead of 30 shitty ones. I know, I know, it’s like an endurance thing or something. If you want to build endurance, how about just fucking run…right off a cliff.

4. GHD Bench Press.

This is another crossfit workout and honestly, you need to look it up for yourself to see how ridiculous it truly is. It’s like facing the wrong way on the back extension and doing bench presses and sit ups at the same time. It’s so stupid that Lamar Odom would think it’s a bad idea. I think the term snap city was created just to describe this exercise. I can see no possible benefit to doing this crap. Who invents this dumb shit?

5. The Shake Weight.

There are many dumb fitness products but this one is made to be your workout and it’s absolutely awful. You hold it in your hands like you’re giving a handy to a walrus and it, I don’t know, mimics jerking off on your face? What the fuck is the point of this. I know this is old news but it still completely baffles me how this ever became popular. How lazy must a person be to use one of these useless hunks of garbage? Just go around town giving rub and tugs to strangers. At least they will appreciate your effort.

What awful workouts have you guys witnessed in person? What ones have you seen online being promoted as if they were legitimate workout plans? Also feel free to meme the shit out of the comments section when this post. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen some original ones.

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